Welcome

One key factor in connecting with just about anyone is every single person is unique, and furthermore, every conversation is different. Thus, you have to approach every person and conversation differently. You’ve got emails and texts to send and what’s for dinner on your mind. You’re thinking about what Bobby Flay is up to these days and wondering whether you would win a fight against your clone. Talking to people when you’re physically tired, mentally exhausted, possibly hungover, or simply feeling like you don’t want to talk to anyone, can be a pretty daunting task. 

The good news is, you start to notice that the same kinds of people and situations inevitably result in pretty similar conversations. Sometimes it’s just best for you to slap a label on what kind of conversation it’s likely going to be, follow a time-tested, proven strategy, and call it a day. The person you’re talking to is usually doing the same thing anyway.

And so in this very comprehensive guide on how to talk to just about anyone, you will see exactly how to respond to the types of conversations you will inevitably encounter.

With people who like sports: Just let them know that their favorite sports team is not winning a championship in a million years. After they react, start making an incredulous face and start asking for reasons exactly why they’ll ever win a championship. Continue acting incredulously, slowly nodding your head like they’re talking nonsense. Works every time even if you don’t know anything about sports. 

When you have absolutely nothing to say: This is like the sober version of easily talking to people. Instead of drinking, you just mention that you like dogs. You don’t even have to say anything after: that’s it. Because everyone likes dogs. 

With children: If you ever observe the way parents and teachers talk to children, there is a disturbingly repetitive pattern. All they do is simply repeat everything they say back to the little gremlins, ad nauseam. It’s an easy way to get children to think you’ve listened without actually doing so, when they’ve asked you their hundredth question within five minutes.

With quiet people: This is the beautiful part. You don’t have to do anything.

With extremely outgoing people: This is the beautiful part. You don’t have to do anything.

With funny people: Feed them as much material as possible so they can riff off of it. All you have to do is say whatever enters your stream of consciousness, and you get free standup comedy. The funniest people will give you energy faster than a couple Red Bulls.

With people on substances: In commemoration of a lover of alcohol I knew, who loved to quote this: there are two people I hate most in the world, sober people when I’m drunk, and drunk people when I’m sober. 

So if everyone at a party is on something, it’s simple: you take those substances. And if you don’t want to, you sidle up to the one sober person at the party and let each other know you’ve finally found refuge. This advice also works if you know absolutely no one there.

With people who do not stop talking: Start ranting more passionately than however they were ranting. You better one up them at their own game. Remember that the truth can be stretched if the passion and emotion is there. If you’ve ever done a typing test, picture the words per minute for the both of you above your heads. Yours better be higher.

When you are simply fried: Throw in some short phrases from time to time that show your incredible listening skills, like “right there with you” and “I totally hear what you’re saying.” Nod your head, and then nod some more. Then say, “Excuse me, I don’t need to go anywhere, but I want to leave now. It would be nice to end this conversation.”

With someone complaining about traffic: Let them know that cyclists are the absolute worst. 

With cyclists: Let them know that e-bikers are the absolute worst, next to drivers turning without signalling. And then proudly claim that you KOM’d every Strava segment in a 10-mile radius after you started wearing aerodynamic socks signed by the Slovenian superstar Tadej Pogacar himself.

When a ridiculous argument or scene breaks out: There will always be at least one person just thoroughly enjoying the chaos and commotion. You can almost smell the imaginary popcorn they are snacking on. These are the best people, so join them.

With the elderly: I mean, this is your chance to not repeat their mistakes. You see a friendly old person sitting on a park bench, you ask them for advice on exactly what you need to hear. Now, you might get a pretty long winded rant on something you already know. But there’s also a good chance you get to hear a wise person’s perspective. Your call.

With Mexicans: Tell them it’s wrong that they’re not putting cheese on tacos. Taco Bell might not be Mexican, but at least they’ve got it right. If a Taco Bell executive happens to be reading this and needs a sponsor, please give me a call.

With someone who speaks a different language: If you like to practice gesticulating, this is the time to do so. If there’s one thing I’ve learned attempting to communicate with people of different racial and ethnic backgrounds, it’s that we all still share the same language: laughter. You might not be understanding each other, at all, but you’ll be laughing a lot.

With people you can just feel who do not like you at all: To be completely honest here, not exactly an easy task. But at times it’s simply unavoidable, especially if you’re hanging out with multiple people. This is your chance to practice being professional and respectful. Talk with them respectfully until it’s time to go. You can even throw in a compliment if warranted. 

With people two or more relationships away: This used to be my territory. You’re introduced to a friend of a friend? Your parents’ friends from way back in college join your family for dinner or you finally meet the significant other of your friend after they went MIA for months? You shoot them a smile and a wave, greet them quickly, and then go right back to whatever you were doing before. Works every time. 

With people in finance: Ask whether stock trading is only just buying low and selling high. Then ask them how the stock market works. Keep questioning everything, including any remotely financial term you’ve heard, why the line goes up and down, and what money even is. At the end of your interrogation, just conclude everything with “Oh, so it really is just pressing the green button to buy and then the red button to sell. Got you.”

With people who are downright mean: When they say something offensive, just point out that that’s mean. Even better if you shake your head like you’re a disappointed parent and then follow up by saying that you know they can do better. Great for anything competitive.

With racists, sexists, and other similarly minded people: Make a playful joke up their alley without compromising your integrity, as long as you’re not intending to demean anyone. Life is way too short to pretend you’re much better than them. We all have reservations against certain groups of people, but the racists and sexists get a bigger spotlight with those labels. For example, I hate people who don’t allow stacking cards in Uno.

With people who don’t allow stacking cards in Uno: You are allowed to talk to them however you want.

With people who constantly talk over you: If you don’t start inserting the most random things you’re missing out. Usually the higher volume itself drowns out your own voice. Make it a personal contest as to how far you can take it.

With people who like to gamble: Bet them five dollars that they will be the first ones to gamble money in the future.

When you’re clearly the youngest person in the group: You have the liberty to say some really stupid stuff.

When you’re clearly the oldest person in the group: You still have the liberty to say some really stupid stuff. But if you’re clearly the oldest, you almost hold the responsibility of leading by example. And there’s no better way to do that than by telling how cool it is to gamble. That way, you ensure that they won’t be gambling anytime in the future.

When there is a bonfire: I don’t think I even have to say anything about this one. Everyone intuitively knows how to talk here. You basically don’t. If you do, it’s done slowly and dare I say prophetically. You sit there in front of the fire, every lick of the fire lightly toasting the air nearby, and as you stare into the fire it becomes alive, full of your appreciation of this one thing keeping you warm and your wonder of the memories of the past and the promise of the future.

If you are a girl stuck with only guys: Traditionally masculine topics like sports and video games will always naturally work, especially if you know your stuff. Even if you don’t, genuine enthusiasm is never out of style. If you can’t be bothered at all, you have to make a lighthearted joke at someone’s expense. The more offensive the better, bonus points if it’s on you. Guys understand how difficult it can be for you to pull off those sorts of jokes.

If you are a guy stuck with only girls: Run.

With everyone else: It’s simply the way you would talk to children, but done less frequently and with less childlike enthusiasm. If you don’t include that last part, well I would also encourage that. I would pay to watch that unfold.